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orangesodagirl
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Location: Berkeley, California, United States
Birthday: 9/20/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: Tennis, reading, drawing, writing, watching anime, and playing videogames...weee!
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
5/19/2003
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| My neighbor Maria is dead and I don't know how I feel about it. She was an older woman and had been sick for some time, but I'm sure her husband Rudy is distraught. Fortunately, they had many children and in turn, many grandchildren. When I look out the window to the side yard, I can see their light on over the fence and hear the radio and voices - the clan has gathered to comfort their father/grandfather and each other.
When I was a little girl, I would walk the neighborhood dogs. I yearned for my own dog but my parents would not get me one. Rudy and Maria were very kind and let me walk and play with their dogs. First there was Cesar, a sweet rottweiler who never threatened me once - the most he did was drool. However, he bit one of my sister's friends and was presumably taken away to be put down. They then got two shelties, Max and Scottie. I would often let myself into Rudy and Maria's house/backyard and they didn't mind one bit. In many ways, I felt like one of their granddaughters (and in time I did befriend a few of them, even went trick or treating with them some years). One set of my real grandparents is dead, and the other set, at the time, was an ocean away, living in Thailand. Rudy and Maria were like proxy grandparents - they always had ice cream bars ready, they made note of my birthday and would give me little gifts. In return I exercised their pets and would sit and have little chats in the dining room, often with Maria.
After I "graduated" from junior high school, my parents finally relented and got me my own dog, Cody (who is an old fuzzy lady now). I became wrapped up in the dog who was finally my own - other neighbors who had seen me grow up (and many of whom have since moved away) commented that they were thrilled for me because I had been so good with the neighborhood dogs. I also became wrapped up in high school and the friends and activities I became involved with there. I was enjoying "growing up", but time is also unkind. My little visits to the grandparent-ly Rudy and Maria became fewer and eventually stopped.
At one point, a neighbor boy named Tony who had in some ways taken my place (he is younger than me and started going over to Rudy and Maria's a lot to play with their dogs) told me that they had gotten a new sheltie puppy. Thinking I would be welcome as usual, I went to go greet the new pup. Maria was there and while she seemed happy to see me, she also took an accusatory tone with me, demanding to know why I never visited anymore. I don't remember what my response was, but I remember the feelings of shame, resentment, and embarrassment. I lost interest in the new puppy and just fled, and I haven't been back to their house since.
Time continued to be unkind to my idyllic childhood memories of the older couple. I discovered that Rudy seemed to have a drinking problem, combined with a bad temper. I found a smashed beer bottle in our backyard one day which was probably flung by him in a fit of rage at Cody, who would bark when she heard him. Most of the time he'd just throw kibble over the fence to quiet her down, but I suppose the mixture of alcohol and annoyance got the better of him. I also heard about a domestic altercation that occurred when one of their daughters was visiting with her family. The police were called, I believe. All of this made me angry at them; I couldn't even look at them. I was always afraid of running into them at the mailbox. What I learned felt like a justification for my selfish abandonment of them. I grew up and moved on but they stayed the same.
I'm not sure why I'm rehashing all of this. I half hoped that writing out these memories would help me get a grip on how to feel. A woman is dead and I'm half awash in remembrances and half detatched, musing over how the world goes on when some people feel like the world is ending. I don't feel comfortable with just going next door and knocking, what with the myriads of family members that are probably there now. I actually need to be planning a part of my trip this summer right now but I'm mucking about just type type typing. I guess I'll just follow my parents lead. It's my dad who talks to Rudy and who would update me on her condition and, now, on her ultimate demise.
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| Foreboding indeed!
Drastic (and sudden) company restructuring means that - guess what? I'm laid off now! This happened on Wednesday - actually, it happened after I left work. The announcement was made at around 5:30 pm and I left work before 5 (I would always get to work around 8:30 am). The only reason I found out about the layoffs that evening was that a now former co-worker posted on facebook that he'd been laid off. I messaged him and we chatted a bit. Evidently, everyone was supposed to check their email after the announcement, and they were told to go to a specific location in the building in that email. Depending on where they were sent meant they were still employed or they were let go. So tacky.
I tried to log into my work email account to see what my fate was but I was locked out of the system; a bad sign. I ended up having to email my team lead and ask him if I was still employed. While I was waiting for a reply, I felt sick to my stomach (which surprised me). I guess it's always a shock to think that you might be laid off even if you don't like your job that much. Around 10 pm, I figured I'd just go into work Thursday morning anyways and see what was what. At around 11 pm though, my lead got back to me with a very nice email confirming my stomach butterfly inducing suspicions - I was out. Actually, lots and lots of people were out. About 40 people were let go from various departments of the company and we weren't very big in the first place. In my department, there are only 9 or so people left, including the head and co-head of ops. I found THAT information out from one of my few co-worker friends - he fortunately was kept on. This didn't surprise me since he was much more savvy than I (he helped me out a lot when I had questions). I'm glad he got to stay since he had been much more anxious than I about lay offs (he's married and he and his wife are trying to have a baby and all that). I do worry that they'll overwork him now - yesterday he was at work til 7:40 pm. I have no idea how the workload is going to ever be completed with so few people. We were already understaffed before the first round of layoffs! I guess it's not my problem anymore. Oh, and the reason I say that my lead's email was nice was because he assured me that my jobless state was not a result of my abilities and that he'd be happy to give me a good reference for future work.
This afternoon, the head of ops and some other guy who is apparently helping with the company restructuring/layoffs called me to discuss the whole debacle since I hadn't been on site when things went down. It was a very civil conversation. They sent a courier over with all my layoff paperwork and my final pay checks. I also filed for unemployment today. I had some personal effects on my desk (a little mario mushroom tin of mints, a little tie-dyed Cal bear, a notebook with a lot of scribbles in it, a Hello Kitty figurine I got at the company Christmas gift swap, a mug, a company stress squeeze ball, and a box of kleenex). Before the phone call I figured I'd just let those things be thrown out, though I told my co-worker friend who is still there that he could help himself to whatever he wanted. But they told me to let my lead know what I wanted packed up and sent to me, which is nice I guess. I don't have to pay BART fare just to go there to retrieve my things. They also probably don't want disgruntled employees hanging around either (not that I'm disgruntled - once I found out what was what, I was calm).
So, the question now is what I will do for the next few months. Being let go means that I'm free to go to Europe (I had considered leaving before this whole ordeal, but the whole "leaving" part occurred a bit sooner than I'd hoped for - I wanted to leave in the beginning of June). I can't really afford this apartment until June, however - our lease is up in March. Matt's parents have already offered to let us stay at their house (also in the east bay) since they'll be traveling to so cal a lot. This means there will be plenty of room for us and we can save money we'd have to blow on rent otherwise. If I qualify for unemployment I'll at least have a little bit of money coming in. So I'll be able to manage. And naturally, my parents said that I can always go home. It'd be easier to move things to Matt's parents' place though. Maybe I will take this opportunity to pay a more lengthy visit to my parents than I've been able to when I was bogged down with work.
If I thought things were up in the air before, they're even more up in the air now. I feel free not having to work but very bound at the same time by money worries. Don't get me wrong, I'm not destitute or anything. I have enough money that I can go to Europe for a month and a half and still pay rent and other necessities and still have a savings cushion. All the same - *anxiety*. What if I can't find anything for a long time? What if I do find something but it's crap? Maybe I'll take my mom up on her offer to go to Thailand too. Hm. There's also all of Matt's law school stuff. My head is like mush right now. =P
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| Happy Chinese New Year (almost)!
A large glass bottle of juice fell on my toe. Foreboding!
As usual, it's been a while. I'm still working at the same company - there was a round of layoffs in my department but I'm still there for the time being. The head of my department said he wasn't sure if there might be another round of layoffs coming. It's to be expected though, with the economy being in the crapper.
There is a bright spot down the road that I'm looking forward to! I started planning a trip to Europe with a couple of friends (my old roommates) and Matt. In December, one of my old roomies recently came back from Africa where he was doing peace corps work. I ended up getting patched into a phone call with him and my second old roommate where I mentioned that I was thinking about traveling this year, maybe to Japan. They started talking about how awesome it would be if we all traveled together. Since Japan is actually more expensive than Europe and I've never been there, I'm game for it even though I'm a little disappointed - I want to go to an onsen! Anyhow, we have a sketchy idea of what our itinerary will be like and we'll be backpacking and staying in hostels to save money. I'm a little leery of hostels, I was all for taking a tour. But if I can travel longer with the same amount of money, why not rough it a little bit? When I'm older I can always go back and stay at hotels. It will be an experience (or at least that's what I've convinced myself). Right now it looks like we'll be going to Austria, Germany, the Czech Republic, Portugal, Spain, Italy, France, and England. I mentioned taking time off during summer to my lead already. I haven't exactly gotten an OK for it, but at the same time I'm not sure I'll even be working there then. Things are so up in the air.
It's still exciting now though, looking up information and trying to decide what guide book I should purchase. I looked at backpacking equipment which is ridiculously expensive. Also, shouldn't the packs be light since you'll be stuffing more things into them? It doesn't seem correct to pick up an empty bag and think "Urgh, heavy!". I'm probably just weak right now. I've been exercising everyday as part of a New year's resolution type deal, but the trip gives me a more definite goal in mind - get in shape enough to haul my crap around and walk everywhere in Europe!
Anyways, Happy Chinese New Year to everyone! Best wishes and good fortune to all. =)
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| I've been reading a lot of shoujo manga lately. For those not in the know, shoujo manga generally refers to a type of Japanese comic that has a target audience of young girls. As I am now in my mid-twenties, I'm not EXACTLY in their key demographic, but I enjoy them anyways. The shoujo manga I've been reading lately are usually slice-of-life romances in a high school setting. I've found a couple I am really fond of now (Lovely Complex and High School Debut AKA Koukou Debut). While I appreciate their cute-ness (and these suckers are FILLED with cute-ness), the draw these particular series have for me is their humor which sort of cut through any over-saccharine moments.
Ehn, my goal in writing this was not to expound my love for shoujo manga though. Actually, I wanted to talk about one that freaked me the heck out. It's called "School Days" and while it starts off like your typical shoujo manga, it certainly does not end like one. The story goes like this:
This high school guy sees a beautiful, demure girl on the train to school everyday, and though he never talks to her he's fallen in love. We'll refer to her as Girl A. Another girl, we'll call her Girl B, sits next to him in class. She is loud and fun and the opposite of Girl A - though she's not traditionally beautiful like Girl A is, she's pretty cute. So, Girl B finds out that the guy likes Girl A and offers to help him out. Girl B befriends Girl A and works things out so that Girl A and the guy can get to know and like eachother. However, in the process of all this, Girl B develops feelings for the guy as well.
So, this is all pretty par for course with shoujo manga. At this point though, the guy would usually realize that he likes Girl B more and even though he still has feelings for Girl A, Girl B is the one he's meant to be with. Well, "School Days" gets the guy and Girl A together. Okay, so in typical shoujos, even if this sort of event occured, the guy would eventually break up with Girl A to be with the girl who was meant for him (Girl B). In "School Days", the guy just ends up cheating on Girl A with Girl B. More than once. This alone had me pretty baffled. But it got weirder!
Girl A eventually sees the guy (who she is still dating) and Girl B kissing. She is distraught and stays home from school for a while. When she eventually comes back, she finds the guy who apologizes profusely and she forgives him. She tells Girl B that she is despicable though (which is fair, they were supposed to be friends and all) and...TRIES TO STAB GIRL A WITH A KNIFE (which is uh...not fair). The guy jumps in the way though and Girl A accidentally stabs him instead.
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Yeah. At this point, big "W T F" letters were rolling around in my head. What kind of shoujo manga WAS this?! Stabbities?
Well, fast forward to the next chapter and I discovered that the guy was okay but in the hospital. Girl A has been staying home and he hasn't pressed charges or anything. Girl B is visiting him in the hospital and he has a serious talk with her, telling her that he's decided to dedicate himself to Girl A, that he pushed her to do what she did (uh, riiight). Girl B takes this pretty calmly and then...gasp...the guy gets a call on his cell phone. It's Girl A's little sister, crying and screaming and telling him that Girl A is lying on the floor covered in blood. Girl B at this point is smiling and there's a bloody knife in the bag. THAT'S RIGHT, SHE WENT AND STABBED THE OTHER GIRL. Girl B proceeds to tell the guy that they'll be together forever while giving him a hug. Meanwhile, guy is staring in shock and thinking "This is all my fault."
...
How...what...why...?
I'm still pretty befuddled by the whole thing and just wanted to share my confusion. =D
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| I hope you all voted.
I'm afraid that my heart will break into little pieces tonight when I hear the election results. =(
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